


carry you

by artsyleo



Series: Trans Eastenders [7]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Mitchell Loves Callum "Halfway" Highway, Body Dysphoria, Body Image, Domestic Fluff, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Trans Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 15:55:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,203
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28941084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: There's days like these, every so often.It's Callum's truth- the truth for so many people.Callum's not sure if that makes him feel better or worse- better because he's so much less alone, or worse because he knows what it feels like.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Trans Eastenders [7]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1803019
Comments: 8
Kudos: 42





	carry you

**Author's Note:**

> tw for body issues, dysphoria, talk of nudity

There's days like these, every so often. 

It's Callum's truth- the truth for so many people. 

Callum's not sure if that makes him feel better or worse- better because he's so much less alone, or worse because he knows what it feels like. 

He wakes up, and everything seems fine. He's got barely any plans for the day- maybe getting the shopping in later since it seems there’s no way he’ll convince Ben to do it, and being as close to Ben as physically possible because he can't get enough of the man lately. Not even in a sexual way, just- being close, feeling the way Ben's heart races in his chest and the way his own heart responds. The way he can feel the love so palpable in his chest, so tangible and so _ real  _ that he can't help the warm feeling that rushes through him every time he thinks about him. 

He kisses Ben awake and then leaves him groaning in bed when Callum pulls himself away, something about  _ too early, get back here I'm cold _ on Ben's lips. It makes him grin, the way he so effortlessly had this kind of effect on the man just from being here. He's never felt like that before and it's- well, it's  _ something _ . 

He starts the kettle going and puts coffee in one ( _ fuck _ knows there's absolutely no getting anything coherent out of Ben without his morning coffee) and hot chocolate powder in the other with a little milk, and mixes it. Ben insists that it's an odd way to do it, but it's the way he remembers being taught to do it as a kid and somehow it's stuck. Once the kettle's done he pours water into both and the scent of coffee trickles into the kitchen and it's a scent he associates with Ben now. He's not sure when it happened - when he started associating such everyday things like the smell of morning coffee with Ben - but it just  _ has _ , distantly, in the background, and it's not like he's complaining. 

Callum's brought back to it by Ben's grumbling from the other room about _ where's my coffee  _ and he picks up both mugs, and brings them back into the bedroom. Ben looks up at him from the bed when he gets in there, all bed head and lit up by the way the light filters through the gap in the curtains and Callum’s heart skips a beat, because the man’s just so  _ beautiful.  _

“I know I’m pretty an’ all,” Ben says, sitting up. “But gimme my coffee or I’m going back to sleep.” 

Callum laughs and hands the other mug over to Ben, who makes this satisfied little hum when he gets his hands around it. 

“Thank you, handsome,” Ben says, then juts his chin out for a kiss. The word sends something odd through Callum, something that perhaps should have been the first sign but he doesn’t take any notice- just leans forward and kisses Ben, warm lips against his own. 

He walks around the bed to get back in his side so that they can drink their drinks side by side - something that they’ve started doing more and more in the morning, and it feels so  _ domestic  _ that Callum wants to cry - but before he gets there the mirror catches his eye. More specifically, the way he looks in it. The way he’s not sure if he recognises the person looking back at him. 

He must stand there too long because Ben sits forward, putting his mug on the bedside table. 

“Cal?” He calls quietly, a gentle voice just pulling Callum’s attention away from the mirror. He tears his gaze away and back to Ben, eyes now trained on him. That innocent, tired look from before is gone and Callum mourns it, mourns the fact that somehow he’s made that nice soft atmosphere disappear. He’s about to apologise but Ben beats him to it, hand out. 

“It’s okay, darlin’,” Ben says. “Think it might be a bad day?” 

That’s what gets him- that simple, easy acceptance. That simple acknowledgement and it’s enough. 

Callum nods a little, and he’s helpless against the guilt that falls through him. "Sorry." 

He's apologising for so much- so much that he knows practically he doesn't need to apologise for but he does it anyway, because that's just who he is. 

"Hey, you don't need to apologise, babe," Ben says, a gentle smile accompanying the hand that reaches forward to tug him back towards the bed. Callum goes easily- he'd never need much persuasion to be pulled back into bed with Ben. He puts his own mug down on the side table and just collapses into him, face hiding in his neck. Ben brings the cover back up and wraps his arms around Callum firmly, grounding, holding him to his chest. A hand strokes gently across his back through the fabric of his sleep shirt. 

"Is there anything I can do?" he asks. 

Callum sighs. He hates this, because he knows how much it infuriates Ben that there's very little he can do, really. This isn't an enemy he can just throw punches at, and neither of them are particularly well-versed in emotion. 

"I'm not sure," Callum replies. "I should probably have a shower, the food shopping needs doing." 

"I can send Lo out if you like? Pick us up some bits, then we can do a proper shop tomorrow," Ben replies a minute later, already moving to his phone. 

"I don't wanna bother anyone," he says, but he knows Ben's probably already sent the message. It's a fruitless fight, because Ben has this power to be able to tell when he's sacrificing his own comfort for something. 

"I don't think you could  _ ever  _ really bother anyone, Cal, it's not in your nature," Ben says, and he laughs a little. He's got plenty a retort to that but he lets himself just have it in the moment, the thought that  _ maybe he's really not a burden _ too good to resist, especially when Ben's drilling it into his head every other day. “Come on. Finish your hot chocolate and then you can shower. You want to shower together?”

Once again, it’s that simple consideration that filters warmth all through Callum’s chest. “Yeah, that would be nice. Save water, you know.”

Ben grins at him, eyebrows raised, and hums, leaning over to pick up his coffee. “Sure. Save water.”    
  
Callum laughs a little, and picks up his own mug from the side, falling close into Ben’s side. 

  
  
  


Showering has always been  _ weird _ . When he was a teenager it wasn’t so much of a problem, but only because of the way he couldn’t even begin to see someone he recognised when he saw himself. It’s getting better now, since he has Ben. There are less and less days like this, but that doesn’t mean they don’t come. Callum thinks that this is what he needs today- to stand in front of Ben with no place to hide, say  _ this is who I am  _ and have Ben love him anyway. Maybe it's weird, and some days it doesn't work but that's what he needs today- for someone to accept his body for what it is, even if he can't. 

“Hey,” Ben says, voice tearing him away from his own thoughts. He hadn’t even realised he was looking down at himself, but Ben’s hand comes gently under his chin, tugging his face up. “Look at me.” 

He does, eyes no longer trained on himself but Ben’s face under the spray from the shower, and the way there’s concern all through Ben’s gaze. 

“I love you, handsome,” Ben says, and it’s that simple- that little sentence, those words that do so much to take him out of his own head. It doesn’t solve everything, of course, but it helps- it’s something. 

“I love you too,” Callum says, and forces himself to take note of the way his voice is noticeably lower than it used to be. “You look cute with shampoo in your hair.” 

Ben rolls his eyes, and Callum can see the way he’s trying to stop the smile that’s creeping onto his face. “Shut up.” 

“What? You do. You want me to give you a shampoo mohawk?” Callum laughs. He doesn’t often let this side of him out, the side of him that’s childish and playful but he can’t help it around Ben. He just has this effect on him- always has. 

“There’s no way I would suit a mohawk,” Ben replies, this easy grin on his face that Callum reckons only comes out around a select few, and  _ fuck _ , does he feel lucky that he might be one of them- someone that Ben can let his guard down around. The fact that he makes Ben comfortable like that, like Ben does for him- well, it’s quite  _ something _ . “Lexi already tried to convince me to let her give me one in lockdown.” 

Callum snorts. “That would have been interesting.” 

“Interesting, like completely horrendous?” Ben replies. 

“I don’t think it’s physically possible for you to look  _ horrendous _ , Ben,” Callum says, and Ben tries and fails to hide the blush that it creates on his cheeks. “But it might not have been your best look.” 

Ben hums, shaking his head a little. “You want me to wash your hair?” 

“Sure you can reach, shortie?” Callum says because it’s a cheap shot and he just  _ can’t resist _ . Ben looks at him, completely affronted, then flicks water at him. 

“Fuck off, cheeky!” he replies, no real malice to it. “Come ‘ere.” 

Callum tilts his head down a little while Ben reaches for the shampoo bottle. His eyes slip closed when Ben puts his hands in his hair, fingers running through the strands carefully. It’s oh so gentle and loving and it feels like too much but Callum makes himself accept it, because he  _ is _ getting better at this- at knowing that he deserves to be loved however Ben is willing to love him. He’s deserving of small comforts like this, like his boyfriend washing his hair when he’s having a bad dysphoria day and telling him that he’s  _ handsome.  _ Callum’s not sure if that voice at the back of his mind telling him that he doesn’t deserve it will ever truly go but even now it gets easier to ignore, every time Ben shows him just how much he loves him,  _ heart and soul _ . 

A hand comes under his chin to tilt his head back up and soft lips press a kiss against the tip of his nose, just quickly. It’s so cute that it forces this little giggle out of him, because he’s just so content being loved like this and  _ fuck,  _ if this is how it will always be then he wants this forever. 

(The engagement ring on his finger is proof enough of that.)

His eyes flicker open to find Ben watching him, a blush spreading across his cheeks until he looks away, this huge smile creeping onto his face. 

“Switch with me,” he says, and they step around each other so that Callum’s standing under the spray. He leans back and the soap rinses out of his hair, down his back and trickles away down the drain. He runs his own hands through it a couple of times, and that’s when he realises- he’s been subconsciously hiding his chest this whole time - an automatic response - and now it’s decidedly uncovered. 

He knows Ben won’t say anything about it, especially when Callum’s like this but it still sends a shiver through him. He catches Ben’s eyes again and sees the worry-tinted look that’s there, and brings his arms back down to move over his chest. Ben catches his wrists - not trying to stop him from covering up, just gentle, reassuring touch - and catches his eyes again when Callum tries to look away. 

“I’m so proud of you,” he says, voice quiet and sincere. “You want me to get out?”

He considers it, but- “No, I- I don’t wanna be on my own.” 

He’s ashamed to admit it but Ben barely gives him time to feel it, pressing another kiss to his lips and letting his thumbs stroke over the soft skin of Callum’s wrists. 

“That’s okay, let’s just finish up and then we can get some food, yeah?” Ben says. 

Callum nods. “Thank you.” 

(It’s a thank you for so much more than what it is at face value, and he’s sure Ben understands.)

“You don’t need to thank me, handsome,” he replies. “Now shift, you’re stealing all the hot water.” 

  
  
  


Once Callum gets out of the bathroom - Ben having left first so that he could use the toilet in peace - he switches the light off and walks around into the bedroom. Ben’s already in there, boxers on, just drying his hair and he turns to look when Callum walks into the room.

“You okay?” he asks, gentle reassurance and genuine concern in his voice in this combination that makes Callum’s heart race. 

“Yeah,” Callum replies, and it’s only then that he notices- 

Ben’s lifted one of their blankets to drape it over the mirror that hangs on the wall next to the cupboard. It’s something he sometimes does when it’s bad and Ben’s immediate consideration of him without Callum even saying anything leaves a lump in his throat that’s hard to swallow because sometimes it’s still difficult to stomach being with someone that’s considerate of him like this- to be loved quite like this. 

It leaves him with tears in his eyes and maybe that’s a bit much but he can’t help it. 

“Thank you,” he whispers. Ben looks at him confused for a minute, until he follows Callum’s gaze to the mirror, then looks back to him. 

“You don’t need to thank me, handsome,” Ben says, walking over to where Callum’s stood and putting a hand on his cheek, gentle. Their eyes meet for a second and Callum never wants to look away, never wants to stop getting lost in his eyes.

“I love you, so much,” Callum says, voice low because it’ll crack with the emotion otherwise. 

“I love you too,” Ben replies, an easy smile on his face. “You want to bind today?” 

“Yeah,” Callum sighs, and Ben smiles back at him- sympathetic, but not pitying. 

Ben nods, thumb just stroking across his cheek before he turns away to pull one of Callum’s binders out of the drawer. “How long have you been binding this week?” 

He hesitates. Really, Callum knows that he’s been binding too much this week but it’s automatic, and he’s only really thinking about it now that it’s  _ bad _ . “I had a break on Tuesday, and it was only a couple hours yesterday.” 

Ben passes the binder to him - his skin-toned one, because somehow Ben just  _ knows _ \- and offers him a smile. “That’s good, Cal. I am proud of you, you know?” 

“Thank you,” Callum replies, and Ben turns around so that he’s facing the other side of the room, back to Callum while he slips the binder over his head. 

“I’m done,” he says, and Ben turns back around, eyes drifting over him. It’s weird still, to be looked at like this - like Ben can’t bear to look away, like there’s something about him that’s really worth  _ looking at  _ \- but he makes himself wait until Ben’s eyes move back to his face, and holds onto the fact that it gets easier to be looked at like this, every time. 

“You’re so handsome,” Ben breathes out, as if it’s a compulsion - as if he absolutely has to say it right then, has to ensure that Callum knows that that’s what he’s thinking. Callum doesn’t even bother trying to contain the blush that rages up his cheeks, all the way to the edge of his ears. 

“Shut up,” he replies, a smile tugging at the edge of his mouth. 

“What, I can’t compliment my boyfriend any more?” Ben says, smiling as he steps around the bed to stand in front of Callum again. 

Callum just hums and leans forward to connect their lips in a soft kiss, as Ben’s hands come up to just rest at the base of his neck. 

“I love you, Cal,” Ben says, his voice much more serious now.

“I love you too,” Callum replies and it’s easy now, this exchange with Ben. He still remembers the first few times he’d said it, and everything that had happened after, the amount of weight that was on those words. It’s different now because they’re natural- this exchange has become a regular part of their day, like neither of them can bear to go 24 hours without telling the other how in love with them they are. Not that Callum minds, at all - it makes him feel like the luckiest man in the world, that Ben wants to make sure that Callum knows that he loves him. He’s never had that before, really- it’s a new, but not at all unwelcome, feeling. 

They watch each other for a minute, just taking in the sight of the other one, before Ben takes a deep breath, letting out a sigh. 

“Right, come on, I’m starving. You fancy bacon?” he asks, and Callum can’t help but laugh a little. 

“Only if you’re not cooking it,” he replies, and Ben looks at him, affronted.

“Okay, look, that was one time, alright? I’m perfectly capable of cooking bacon.” 

“That pan we had to throw away because of the bacon cooked  _ onto  _ it says otherwise.” 

“Okay fine,” Ben says, mock-glaring back at Callum. “But you’re not completely absolved of blame, you were distracting me!”

“Ah, see- first rule of cooking, never get distracted,” Callum replies, pulling a t-shirt over his head and pointing back at Ben.

“Even if it’s by my super attractive boyfriend in a towel?” 

Callum laughs, embracing the blush. “Even then.” 

Ben glares at him again. “You’re lucky you’re cute.” 

Callum hums, and presses another kiss to Ben’s lips. “Go and get the bacon out then, can I trust you to do that?” 

“Fuck off!” Ben laughs, before walking towards the door. Callum almost follows him, before he looks at the place where there’s still a blanket hanging over the mirror. He walks forward and tugs it down carefully, looking back at the face he sees. 

It’s not perfect - not exactly  _ him -  _ but it’s better. Better compared to a couple of years ago, and better compared to just this morning. He looks back, and the only thing he hears in his head is his boyfriend’s voice. 

Callum nods a little at himself, then folds up the blanket and puts it on the bed.

He sees Ben just out of the corner of his eye, watching him from the door frame with this proud little smile on his face. 

“Come on then pretty boy,” he says. “Teach me how to cook bacon, since you’re  _ so  _ good at it.” 

Callum laughs -  _ truly happy  _ \- and follows Ben out of the room. 

  
  


(“So what happened there then, Mr High-and-Mighty? I think that’s the same colour the pan was last time  _ I  _ did it!”

“You were distracting me!” 

“Excuses, Excuses.”)

**Author's Note:**

> this was gonna be like super angsty but i accidently made it soft?? (i kinda love it tho)  
> but yeah!! ive been going through some periods of like a real lack of inspiration and motivation in terms of writing, but im kinda proud of this one so i hope you enjoyed it too, and comments n kudos mean the absolute world, and lots of love to u!!  
> leo x (come find me on tumblr @artsy-highway)


End file.
